Adoption is much more than I ever thought it could be. Especially adoption from foster care. Through the whole process, all I could think about was getting through the next hoop nessecary to make this baby safely ours forever. We loved him, we wanted to make sure we could keep him safe.
We stood before the judge and with our hands raised we promised to love, protect, and take care of him for the rest of his life and ours as if he was naturally born to us. That is huge to me!
Now that it is all over, the ramifications of the choices we made along the way are sinking in. Also the anger that I pushed back throughout the entire process is rearing it’s ugly head. Now it is bigger. Not only am I angry that all the things these kids went through happened to them, but now it’s anger that this was done to MY kid. I am angry that he wasn’t protected and that he will have to live with the reprocussions of this pain for life.
I began to panic about what all this will mean to him someday. Will he understand why things were done? Will he be angry with us? Will he be angry at her? Will he believe the facts of the case? If he does, will he feel hurt at what transpired to bring him to us? How can we ever truly fill the void in his little heart?
No, we won’t. We can’t. That is not a mommy and daddy shaped hole. If we try to fill that void for him we only reinforce what Satan will already be working on, which is attempting to make him believe he needs something from his past to return or be accounted for, to make him whole. This isn’t a bio family shaped hole, or an answer shaped hole–it is a God shaped hole.
While needing answers is valid, some answers can be skewed. Years and time can make deep wounds heal faster when the perceived medicine is given. What if in 20 years he believes lies that undermine all we told him his whole life?
God has reiterated to me that our job in his life is not to help him get what he needs to fill the void or to keep his options open. Our job is to point him always to the only one who can safely fill that void for him. God may choose to use others, us included, to help him, but we have to teach him how to see people as instruments in his life. Either used by God or not. All experiences in our lives good and bad right and wrong , our sin or others’ sin, as a giant neon sign pointing us back to Christ.
“…she laughs at the things to come.”It’s not with sarcasm or blind carelessness a woman of God does this. It is with the knowledge that the one we depend on is worthy of our trust and our future is secure no matter what. We must walk in truth. We must rely on the Holy Spirit (the only one who knows he mind of God) who intercedes for us to impart wisdom in our circumstances based on the facts that we have.
We are not the Shape sorter or the shape identifiers. We are all framework, filled with different shaped holes, waiting for God to put the pieces together.