I listened carefully as the pediatrician articulated exactly what my thoughts had been for a few weeks concerning our son Owen. Incredulously I realized that my fears were justified and needed to be addressed for his protection. We had been through so much in the past six months. With his history of trauma related to loss it was basically inevitable. I just didn’t expect to hear it from a doctor.
Major life changes, including the loss of Baby H, had taken their toll. His body remembers what his brain shuts out. Owen is a very outgoing, challenge loving, up for anything, sports oriented, loving and creative little boy. Even though he was young (11 months) when he came to us, the trauma he had experienced over the loss of his family still effects him. In times of insecurity he insists on knowing where everyone in our family is and needs to have us close and safe. Baby H leaving in the middle of some of the hardest times in our life added to that trauma even though it wasn’t related.
Even though he is ok, he still struggles with missing her and understanding why she can’t be with us. Our pediatrician said that to continue fostering would only exacerbate his trauma. It is necessary to close our home. When he is older he can better understand the foster care process and yet his history of loss leaves him vulnerable in ways our biological children are not. So, for his safety, we will no longer foster.
Someone once said: when God closes a door praise him in the hallway. When I look out our currant “hallway” I see a 360 degree angle of beautiful reminders of the love God has for us and the memories we share and the amazing unit our family has become. My husband has a new job, our church is getting closer than ever to each other and functioning so well, our family and friends, our life, is wonderful. I am fine with praising him in the hallway and I am excited to see what door God opens next.
In the meantime, we will be filling out our paperwork and completing our home study to be available to children in foster care who need a permanent home. We will see what God does!