I am the kind of person who tends to be rebellious. I don’t buck the system in the typical ways though. I like order. I love organization, though you would never know it to look into ANY of my spaces at the moment. I appreciate rules and regulations if for no other reason then it keeps others in line while I dance across the line and do what I want. I like to know where my boundaries are so I can push them as much as is comfortable for me, then run back to safety whenever I want. One of my biggest motivations in life is prooving someone wrong when they warn me not to do something, or tell me I can’t. I like to be the one that beat the odds.
This can be a matter, usually is, of pride with me. I tend to think I can take something that I view as a mess and fix it like no one else has been able to fix it. I like to be prepared when no one else is, in ways that no one else thought of. I don’t like needing help,but I want to be surrounded by people who will help me. My pride says “You can do it better. You can delegate this and this and orchestrate this. Everyone will see that you did it good” those are the times I end up hurting others and looking up at those I looked down on, before I fell.
Sometimes this is a matter of believing in something and wanting it to succeed. Sometimes it is about believing in someone that no one else believes in. Sometimes it is about caring and trying and hope. Sometimes it is about wanting to be used by God in a unique way in someone’s life. Those are the times I risk getting hurt.
Being teachable is an important life skill. When others, more qualified, or in a position of authority tell me what I should do, I usually listen. The times I don’t are when I feel like I have a vision for where I want to go, and I don’t see how doing it their way can get me there. I realize that if I do it my way and it succeeds then I have beaten the odds. It is a temptation too great.
One example I experienced in the last few months is my journey with Owen’s birth mother. She is the woman who gave him life. This is not to be taken lightly. SHE.CHOSE.LIFE. In the world in which we live the choice to abort or sustain a pregnancy is so freely given. In her situation she could have easily chosen not to continue. Instead she chose to give her best shot at parenting him. Although the circumstances and choices that followed resulted in him being removed from her custody, the fact that she tried is a monumental thing. I will be forever grateful to her for that.
Since the day that I met her we have been in regular contact. There have been ups and downs and times when I wanted to pull my hair out and times when I am sure she did too.
Through it all the recommendation across the board from the people in charge of this case was: cut all contact. However, my personal dealings with her were pleasant and I felt I could give her a chance. I had a fantasy of us growing old still texting away. I knew there were hard decisions to be made and boundaries put into place. I just felt that even if all her bridges were burned with everyone else, I could be the one to build something special with her. Truth is, it meant a lot to me to have her in our lives. I just wanted it to be on my terms.
It doesn’t work that way. You cannot control other people. You can reach out to them, set boundaries in your relationships, but you cannot control what they can and cannot do or will or will not do. In the end all you have left is a partnership or nothing.
I’m not sure what we will end up with at the end, but I do know this is a situation where I need to put aside all pride, put aside my desire to beat the odds and prove the authority wrong. I have to take into consideration they could be right. I have to decide where my boundaries are and take the responsibly to guard them. If the choice is made by the other person to breach them, there needs to be a plan B. This is where we are. Some things are cut and dried, others have to have the flexibility to change, expand, and shrink over time to accommodate needs of all parties. “Do your best to be at peace with all men!” “Pride goes before a fall” be yea kind one to another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake as forgiven you”. Sometimes we have to do things for the sake of others. My son takes priority and should be my only motivation outside of Christ. Now I need to figure out how to do that. Maybe God will beat the odds through me! Maybe I will discover that the odds I thought needed to be beat are different from the ones God is going to beat with me. I may never know. So here I go, pursuing a dream. We will see where God directs the chase.